being myself...

i do not understand why i suddenly remembered that i have a blog, where i used to post all kinds of ghastly, makeshift details about my life. even though most of it was censored, i still felt the need to give out the general idea. i don't remember the last time i have seriously written, so this ,might come across to a few followers as extremely vain. but i choose to keep and it and get better again. they say, you need to hone skills. my skills seem to have infested themselves with a layer of rust. true to the truest sense, i have not really felt too intensely equipped to write anymore. even now, as i am tapping the keys of my woe begone keyboard, (i can see that the "A" and "E" on the keyboard have vanished from the keys. also "N". half of "H" and "M" and "S" are visible. "C" will shortly follow) i find that i take deep interest in the very unimportant details of life. its unnerving how i can love without being loved.

only last day this senior approached me in college and told me that i had quietened down. i wasn't cursing people with my everlasting choicest swear words and i wasn't there to care about anything anymore as such. a friend of mine thought that i was slowly progressing towards an emotional doom (i am reading painful and extensively depressing things nowadays). all of it irritates me. there has been this oe question that pangs me. "why me?" i was never meant to face this. i was supposed to be this very vibrant and happy girl who could laugh at anything in the world. i laugh less now and that senior thought i was suffering from some "shorir kharap". i talked to ma about this and she thinks that its with time that everyone matures and they start feeling this way. if that is true, then why these pathetic lines of thoughts to accompany my process to maturity? if this is how one is supposed to feel while they mature, then i would rather stay immature. i hate maturing.

what is maturity? the ability to practically analyse things and take decisions accordingly. in bangla, we may call it "bujhdaar howa, mene neoa". it was so good back in school. i never really gave any thought to anything anymore really. why was this happeng to me?

i will become schizophrenic in a few days...and i can feel it. all the best to me.